Friday, January 27, 2017

National Chocolate Cake Day & Other Sabotages

Seriously?  Today is National Chocolate Cake Day?  In commenting with a friend, I discovered how there are even days for GERMAN Chocolate Cake Day, Pineapple Upside Down Cake Day and a Coconut Torte Day!  Nothing says sabotage like worshiping food to the point there are "national day(s)" for the crap we crave!

Hey all!  Yes, it's been over a year since I posted anything, and usually I turn back to my blog when I feel I've hit rock bottom with my health and wellness.  Since being hospitalized last year, my dysthymia has been switched on and I've been struggling ever since to find my sense of self again.  Most days I barely leave the couch and shut the world out.  When I have obligations like work or an event or gathering I feel committed to, I put on a smile and try to enjoy myself, but the moment I walk in the door of my house, it's like instant hermit.  PJs or the clothes from the day before, and it's just me, my pets, the occasional snuggle/movie watching with my youngest and the ID Channel, or whatever I dvr'ed that day or week.

What's really sad is that my hospitalization was back in MAY of last year.  Since then, my oldest graduated high school that month, and in December became a father, and I became a grandma!!  My little guy entered full day kindergarten and I was offered a full time job at the local alternative high school, so on the outside, things look pretty peachy and just chugging along like it is supposed to.  Although I do consider myself lucky, it was a year of tragedy as well.  I've had an aunt, my niece's mom, my grandmother and now this new year a teenage cousin pass away since, as well, and now it's almost February, 9 months after being released from the hospital, and I still feel like curling up and shutting out the world.  My body hurts.  I cannot tolerate food well, yet my weight has jumped back into the 180's after being put back on insulin.

It's like I reached a point last spring where I had held my ideal body weight for almost 2 years and I got smacked down and stepped on.  Not only did the MRSA and ketoacidosis wreck my health and weight at the time, it ate away at my muscles, leaving me to have to do a little physical therapy at home to walk stairs, reach for things above my head and left me crying, feeling defeated and sorry for myself.  May, and most of the summer, was definitely the worst, as I lashed out at the world, wanting to just die in this disease-ridden body I had be given to "live" in.

I still feel a little like that today.  While I have stopped the rapid weight gain up to 183 lbs and held that steady for months now, This shroud of depression that makes be almost completely immobile once I enter my home doesn't seem to want to lift.  As in the past, I cannot seem to lose weight while on insulin, and the times that I HAVE been successful with weight loss have been 150 lbs when I stopped taking it.  Then I'm good for a few years and BAM... high A1C or go into ketoacidosis and then I'm put back on insulin and BAM again!!  Oh hello, 180!!

It truly is a vicious cycle, and I'm trying my hardest to love myself at this weight, but not only do I find it hard, I find it downright repulsive and it effects my mood, my self image, and worth and is destroying who I am,  Not to mention having a dire effect on my marriage, since I don't want to be touched.  The "you look (insert complimentary word)" comments don't uplift me.  They actually make me feel like they feel sorry for me and are trying to get me to cheer up and/or smile.

Trying my best to fake it til I make it I suppose.  I feel like I'm going to have this breakthrough moment where I wake up determined, in a great good and a cease the day attitude.  I just can't seem to get there.

Some may look at this is one long, whiney post, and that's fine.  Sometimes we have to get all the crap out of our system, whether it's drugs, alcohol, crappy food, etc., but a lot of times it's the crappy thoughts and feelings that truly weigh us (me) down.