What really sucked was that we had gotten a new treadmill, and without the ability to breath just sitting on my couch, tackling the treadmill after meals to help with my blood sugar wasn't happening. I've yet to get on it, but determined by the end of the week to start my program. The extra weight has been taking it's toll. What I find amazing is how weak and sore I feel just from gaining the extra 30 lbs, and then I watch shows like My 600 lb Life and I cannot even imagine carrying all that weight, and the extra strain it puts on the body. Hell, between tearing up because my skin is burning from newly formed stretchmarks, or just being able to pick up my child, I feel so physically defeated sometimes.
One thing I do need to do is stop with the self sabotaging internal voice I seem to have lately. Some of you may be able to relate. It's the voice inside me that says, "I can't do this. What's the point?" The one that makes the plan to get something done, and when the time comes, I retreat back to old behaviors that serve no purpose but to keep me stagnant in my unhealthy and unproductive lifestyle. I know that part of that voice comes from my dysthymia, and while I recognize it as crippling me from achieving my goals and doing what I need to do, I can't seem to shake it. I may need to seek professional help in dealing with some of my demons that have been torturing me since I got deathly ill last year. Those that do not understand the impact of depression have no place in my life, because their "get over it" attitude is ignorant to say the least, and doesn't do anyone, especially me, any good.
There have been a lot of other things have been going on that have been mentally, emotionally and physically draining, and they certainly play a part as well. I just want to get better. I want to be WELL! Hopefully I can get back to feeling positive and healthy, instead of feeling so lost and worthless.