What really sucked was that we had gotten a new treadmill, and without the ability to breath just sitting on my couch, tackling the treadmill after meals to help with my blood sugar wasn't happening. I've yet to get on it, but determined by the end of the week to start my program. The extra weight has been taking it's toll. What I find amazing is how weak and sore I feel just from gaining the extra 30 lbs, and then I watch shows like My 600 lb Life and I cannot even imagine carrying all that weight, and the extra strain it puts on the body. Hell, between tearing up because my skin is burning from newly formed stretchmarks, or just being able to pick up my child, I feel so physically defeated sometimes.
One thing I do need to do is stop with the self sabotaging internal voice I seem to have lately. Some of you may be able to relate. It's the voice inside me that says, "I can't do this. What's the point?" The one that makes the plan to get something done, and when the time comes, I retreat back to old behaviors that serve no purpose but to keep me stagnant in my unhealthy and unproductive lifestyle. I know that part of that voice comes from my dysthymia, and while I recognize it as crippling me from achieving my goals and doing what I need to do, I can't seem to shake it. I may need to seek professional help in dealing with some of my demons that have been torturing me since I got deathly ill last year. Those that do not understand the impact of depression have no place in my life, because their "get over it" attitude is ignorant to say the least, and doesn't do anyone, especially me, any good.
There have been a lot of other things have been going on that have been mentally, emotionally and physically draining, and they certainly play a part as well. I just want to get better. I want to be WELL! Hopefully I can get back to feeling positive and healthy, instead of feeling so lost and worthless.
Your posts are so real and honest. I have chronic illnesses as well and it is a huge burden on the soul, never mind what it does to the body. Somedays I feel great and I do a crap ton of stuff and then the next day or day after I literally cannot move, sometimes it takes me 3 days of just resting to get back to a 70% good feeling. If I can maintain a 70% feeling good for several days in one week I consider that awesome. Feeling 100% is rare for me. I've accepted that it's never going to happen again. My illnesses coupled with my age, over 40 and extra weight (about 50lbs overweight) means that I may never be fully productive again. While others around me are working 40 hours a week or more, raising kids, doing events with their kids, working out or whatever else interest them and so on, I am lucky to get out of bed every day, get Grace to school and do a few of my own things IE school or work and barely keep my house clean. I know I do a lot for my limits but I also know that it is often exhausting and painful. I don't know the last time I was pain free or not tired. I suffer from extreme insomnia as well. I find very few people who actually can understand my pain and what I go through to manage each day. I find less people that can empathize with the depression that comes from having to manage life this way and it's hard to find friends that will just be a friend and hang out without offering some type of advice. I am sure they are well meaning but if ONE more person tells me to just stay positive or to try and exercise more or to listen to another self-help guru or to just try harder... I think I might punch them. The thing is that I know my body, I know what it's capable of... mentally and physically and I need friends that listen, that want to do things within the realm I can do them. Would I like to go out and get drunk in Vegas with a group of woman that go every year... sure it might be fun BUT I can't drink alcohol anymore. My body and medications can't handle it. No, I don't want to just try it again, it has not changed in the last 5 years... a friend tried telling me I just needed to get back on the horse and go out more, it would help my depression... well going out would, going out and drinking until I puke would not
I have had to deal with this for many years now and I have had to find ways to keep my mind even keeled if not overtly happy. I will never be happy go lucky, free and easy again. I am physically unable to manage a long day hiking or at the zoo with my daughter. I cannot walk around downtown Chicago all day visiting museums and shops. I can do these things for a few hours and that is it. And that has to be accepted. I cannot change what has happened to my body or the physical issues I know have. I can manage the best I can though and find peace in the things I can do. I have to tell myself that I am older, I am not 25 anymore and even if I didn't have any health issues at all, 44 is still a long time for the body to exist...it's going to have wear and tear no matter what illnesses I have BUT the ailments make it even harder. I am thankful for every day I get to be here, for every moment I get closer to finishing my degree, for every event I make it too with Grace and the fun times we had. I am grateful for the hours I can work each week at a very physically draining job and it's not many but I am doing it. I look forward to teaching community college in a few months and the possibility of getting my PhD. My house is not as clean as I'd like, the laundry sits in the basket waiting to be folded while dust sometimes builds up on the desk. The dishwasher doesn't always get unloaded until the sink piles up with other dishes and the bed sheets sometimes don't get washed until Jeff can help me. BUT--- I AM ALIVE! I feel bad sometimes, I get really depressed and sad and nostalgic for what I once was, for all the things I've lost inside me. But I just live one day at a time now and when I get sick I rest and if I'm sick for a week I stop and be sick. When I'm hurt I ask for help, I don't like to do it but I have too. When someone wants me to go party with them, I politely decline, offer another suggestion and if they say no, I move on.ReplyDelete
I won't offer you any advice persae because I know what that is like. But I hope you find a way to understand that your body is only going to give so much before it gives out... there is a happy medium to living with illnesses and wanting to be what YOU want to be. The one thing I will say is that you cannot force yourself to be a certain way again... you may not ever find that perfect health again but you can find a way to live with the body you have and even if you only lose 15 of those 30 pounds you may find it to be a relief. And if you never lose those 30 pounds you will find a way to adjust. It's like you said with the self-sabotage... I say that I am my own worst enemy, I constantly tell myself that I AM IN CHARGE of my body, my mind... no one can make me feel guilty for not being what THEY think I should be. I am just me and I have to live inside that mind and body. I surround myself with people that love me like this... and who want to help me laugh and have a good time and be there when I need to vent. And it's okay if some of my relationships have fallen by the wayside; it's just easier to not be around negativity or those trying to help who actually hinder my attitude. I am thinking of you and wishing you all the best! You will find your peace, I have confidence in you!!!!
P.S. - I too watch MY 600lb Life and wonder how they manage...and I feel so bad when they don't really make significant changes or they have people that hurt more than help them. And I always say I hope that I never get that big.
Superb post about "Setbacks and Self Sabotage"ReplyDelete
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