National Chocolate Cake Day & Other Sabotages

Seriously?  Today is National Chocolate Cake Day?  In commenting with a friend, I discovered how there are even days for GERMAN Chocolate Cake Day, Pineapple Upside Down Cake Day and a Coconut Torte Day!  Nothing says sabotage like worshiping food to the point there are "national day(s)" for the crap we crave!

Hey all!  Yes, it's been over a year since I posted anything, and usually I turn back to my blog when I feel I've hit rock bottom with my health and wellness.  Since being hospitalized last year, my dysthymia has been switched on and I've been struggling ever since to find my sense of self again.  Most days I barely leave the couch and shut the world out.  When I have obligations like work or an event or gathering I feel committed to, I put on a smile and try to enjoy myself, but the moment I walk in the door of my house, it's like instant hermit.  PJs or the clothes from the day before, and it's just me, my pets, the occasional snuggle/movie watching with my youngest and the ID Channel, or whatever I dvr'ed that day or week.

What's really sad is that my hospitalization was back in MAY of last year.  Since then, my oldest graduated high school that month, and in December became a father, and I became a grandma!!  My little guy entered full day kindergarten and I was offered a full time job at the local alternative high school, so on the outside, things look pretty peachy and just chugging along like it is supposed to.  Although I do consider myself lucky, it was a year of tragedy as well.  I've had an aunt, my niece's mom, my grandmother and now this new year a teenage cousin pass away since, as well, and now it's almost February, 9 months after being released from the hospital, and I still feel like curling up and shutting out the world.  My body hurts.  I cannot tolerate food well, yet my weight has jumped back into the 180's after being put back on insulin.

It's like I reached a point last spring where I had held my ideal body weight for almost 2 years and I got smacked down and stepped on.  Not only did the MRSA and ketoacidosis wreck my health and weight at the time, it ate away at my muscles, leaving me to have to do a little physical therapy at home to walk stairs, reach for things above my head and left me crying, feeling defeated and sorry for myself.  May, and most of the summer, was definitely the worst, as I lashed out at the world, wanting to just die in this disease-ridden body I had be given to "live" in.

I still feel a little like that today.  While I have stopped the rapid weight gain up to 183 lbs and held that steady for months now, This shroud of depression that makes be almost completely immobile once I enter my home doesn't seem to want to lift.  As in the past, I cannot seem to lose weight while on insulin, and the times that I HAVE been successful with weight loss have been 150 lbs when I stopped taking it.  Then I'm good for a few years and BAM... high A1C or go into ketoacidosis and then I'm put back on insulin and BAM again!!  Oh hello, 180!!

It truly is a vicious cycle, and I'm trying my hardest to love myself at this weight, but not only do I find it hard, I find it downright repulsive and it effects my mood, my self image, and worth and is destroying who I am,  Not to mention having a dire effect on my marriage, since I don't want to be touched.  The "you look (insert complimentary word)" comments don't uplift me.  They actually make me feel like they feel sorry for me and are trying to get me to cheer up and/or smile.

Trying my best to fake it til I make it I suppose.  I feel like I'm going to have this breakthrough moment where I wake up determined, in a great good and a cease the day attitude.  I just can't seem to get there.

Some may look at this is one long, whiney post, and that's fine.  Sometimes we have to get all the crap out of our system, whether it's drugs, alcohol, crappy food, etc., but a lot of times it's the crappy thoughts and feelings that truly weigh us (me) down.

Small Victories Get You There

Yesterday, I shared with my friends and family that I finally saw the 150's on the scale.  159.2 lbs to be exact.  I haven't seen anything on the scale below 160 in probably 25 years.  When I graduated high school, I was 138 lbs and within a year was over 160 lbs.  Lack of sports?  Probably.  Undiagnosed diabetes?  It's a possibility.  Poor eating habits?  Definitely.

Like a lot of teens, I thought I was fat.  My scale weight was always higher than my friends.  Looking back though, I remember people and classmates commenting on the definition of the muscles in my legs.  Thanks to diving, weights, soccer, water polo, poms and cheer, I had a certain build.  They are still there, just not as predominant, but noticeable.  Since muscle is denser than fat, I could fit into their clothes, but that didn't match what I saw on that scale.  I was also taller than most.  When we are younger, I think it's hard to grasp the concept of how all this physiology works.  At that time, I only saw a number on the scale, so while their weights were 110-118 lbs, here was me at 125-132 lbs.  I got depressed. Why am I so big?  I look back now, and as a woman, I can appreciate the athletic, toned, muscular physique I had back then.  I couldn't see it at the time, because I only saw that damn number.

Some of us get in the rut of obsessing over that number.  I know I have, and yes, it was a small victory for me to lose the weight.  It will be another small victory to get some of that definition back.  Yes, I have the mommy gut and the loose skin, and it's frustrating.  I'm still a work in progress.  I will always be a work in progress.  Getting older, wiser, and getting more of a IDGAF attitude toward what others think of me.  It really can be freeing when you reach this level of consciousness.  I still have a ways to go to my health and fitness goals, but I will celebrate the small victories as they are achieved.

What have you achieved?  What is/was a small victory that you celebrated?  Comment below!  I'd love to read it.  Let's celebrate, congratulate and motivate each other!  Enjoy your weekend!

What's Yours?

We all have our bad habits.  Some are easier to break, while others seem to have some sort of control over us, like a monkey on our back.  Some of them can be a risk to our health like smoking or over eating, while others can be just annoying or unsanitary, like biting our nails or cracking our knuckles.  Some might say they can be all the above.  Bad habits only prove one thing... we are human.

It's never too late to try to break ourselves of whatever we consider a bad habit and WebMD has some great tips and steps on breaking those habits.  What's nice is they break it down into 3 simple steps that include 1) make it conscious, 2)  put it in writing so it really sinks in and 3) bait and switch.  So while we are making ourselves conscious of our bad habits, we can put it in writing and then find something to replace that bad habit when the urge arises.

While many, including myself, state that old habits, addictive behaviors, are hard to break, sticking to these 3 Easy Steps to Breaking Bad Habits can really be the push we need to move forward with change.

Have a terrific Tuesday!
Cheryl

No Negativity Allowed

There is probably going to be only one "new year's resolution" that I have been sticking to for a while, and will continue to do so throughout 2015 and beyond.  Not allowing negativity in my life.  This goes for negative people as well.

It doesn't matter if they are family, so-called friends or co-workers.  Don't allow it, and don't engage in it.  We can love from afar and not allow their negative, non-supportive, bashing, spiteful and even vengeful comments and actions dictate, or even change the way we live our lives.

Perfect example I see daily on social media are the H.A.T.E.R.S.  (Having Attitude Toward Everyone Reaching Success)  These are those people that have to comment and issue statements about this person or that person, or even post directly on a person's post about how they are sick of seeing their workouts, food choices, calories burned, weight lost, whatever.  These people need to worry about their own issues and problems and need to ask themselves what makes these type of posts so annoying or offensive to them?

Last I checked, these are our accounts, our pages.  So for all you complaining or talking behind someone's back about their fitness and/or nutrition posts, please realize that this is what inspires them.  This is what motivates them.  These posts help them be and feel accountable for the choices and changes they are making in their lives.  So believe it when I say, if you response negatively to them, you are not being supportive and they truly don't need a negative energy like you in their life.

Seriously, what ever happened to "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all"?  Since when did this world fill up with keyboard cowboys that feel the need to type out some unnecessary negative comment to either 1) try to bring someone down or 2) to make themselves feel important in some way, shape or form.  Whatever the reason, it's pathetic and they don't need you in their life.  Yes, they may want you to be, but they definitely don't NEED you to be.

Anyway, treat this new year with new respect for yourself, and know that no matter how long someone has been in your life, no matter what your affiliation or connection, you are not required, nor obligated to keep ANYONE that is a non-supportive, negative presence in your life.  It's not about the past, it's about how they treat you NOW.  Don't let it break you, don't let it stop you, and definitely don't let them affect the way you look at yourself and the positive changes and choices you are making!!

You got this!!  Have a great week!
Cheryl

Resolve to Change

Well folks, it's 2015.  Another year to make those new year resolutions.  Most lists are the same - lose weight, get fit, eat healthier, quit smoking, save more money, cut Starbucks down to once a week, etc., etc., yadda yadda yadda.

Problem is that making a whole lot of changes at once can be overwhelming, and this is where our failure comes in.  A lot of these resolutions are lifestyle changes, so they can take time and usually are only successful when a conscious effort is made.  Tackling these challenges do not have to happen overnight, but an ongoing journey of self improvement.  A lot of people want to blame their lack of willpower, but it truly comes down to them not wanting or not being ready for that change.  It's as simple as saying "I won't" instead of "I can't".

I can't quit smoking.... no, you are saying I won't quit smoking.

I can't budget my money.... no, you are saying I won't budget budget.

It's all about perspective, and in actuality, you are choosing not to do the very thing you want so badly to accomplish.  Slow and steady wins the race, and maybe you are just not ready, but don't beat yourself up about it.  Maybe you'll do better come February, or March.  Maybe something will trigger you to make certain changes in the spring or summer.  Maybe other issues are weighing on your mind and you cannot fathom starting something new. Least you can do is try.  Try doing it in steps, phases, or in a check off list order.  Every day is a new day to start over, reset, reboost yourself to do you very best at whatever challenges you make for yourself.

Whether you hit the ground running, or stumble and fall, just teach yourself to get back up and try again.  Remember, failure is only the result of trying, and trying is better than complaining and doing nothing.

Best of luck to all of you in this new year, and I wish you nothing but health and happiness to you and yours.

- Cheryl