A lot has been going on the last few weeks. As a lot already know, my husband and I are separating. I know it comes as a shock to a lot of people, because we love each other, and always have a blast together, and seem like a great couple. I have mixed emotions about it, as he genuinely is my best friend, but sometimes when the intimacy and "in love" feelings are no longer there, it's a waste of both our time to try to keep up appearances in order to not look like failures in front of our friends and family. It's been like this for over a year now. I think the only thing that's hard is seeing each other BE intimate with others and wonder why we didn't or couldn't get back to that again. Guess it falls under the "shit happens" category.
My heart, mind and body have NOT been healthy the past few weeks. I haven't been to the gym, haven't exercised, haven't been eating right, and have been battling insomnia. Some of the events of the past few months had finally taken it's toll on me. I lashed out like a dog that had it's last beating by someone. It was nasty. This past Tuesday and Tuesday night was the worst. I fell into such a deep depression, Ry was worried about me. I honestly think I had on some levels a nervous breakdown. I spent most of the evening into morning just crying and shaking so bad, it made me sick to my stomach. I spent time clung to my son's stuffed animal "Balto" curled up in his bed, just looking around, feeling like I failed him as well. I know it's no one's fault, and I'm being too hard on myself, and yadda yadda yadda, but it's hard to deny those feelings. (I'm sure I sound like a complete nutcase right about now.)
I finally settled down around 5am Wednesday morning, but called into work, as the crying and being sick had dehyrated me, and I felt like I had been hit by a truck. I fell back asleep, and Ry and Crusher kept me in good spirits for the day, being total angels, and I thank them SO much for that.
Time to move on. One plus is I got the 2nd job I wanted, and start Monday night. Hopefully work, and keeping myself occupied will help me through all this, because time alone, and spare time just isn't my friend these days. Gives me too much time to "think and sink".
A week from today I'll be on the road and arriving at my parents in Minooka, IL, a southwest suburb of Chicago, outside of Joliet. My cousin is getting married. Seems a lot of relatives have been getting married. It's hard, because my sister and I will be the only "divorcees" on that side of the family. True the cousins and stuff have left to be seen, but everyone on my dad's side have been married 20+ yrs, and most 30+ yrs. I told Ry yesterday, I guess in the back of my mind, I thought when you're with someone for that long, this 1-2 yr rut is nothing, but then again, it's not like it's getting any better. We're just better as friends. I feel like a stepping stone in some ways, but there are things in me that need to change, and things for him that need to change, and if they don't, neither of us will ever have a long lasting relationship with somoene.
Ugh.. see what I mean? I keep going toward the negative, instead of looking forward to the positive. We're going to stay living together, and it's not like we're pushing through for the divorce papers. One thing I do know is that no one except Ryan and I know the whole story of our relationship. They may have bits and pieces, or THINK they know, but they don't. I won't tolerate anyone talking bad about him, thinking it was his fault, nor will I tolerate the opposite. He will always be my family. He IS my family here. I may bitch about certain things that irriate the hell outta me, but in the end, he's a great guy, and just like I know he wants the best for me, I want the best for him and just want him to be happy.
Anywho... so that's where it stands right now. I'm not moving out, nothing is being disrupted, just now we've finally, openly said what we've both been feeling for a while, and now we can both get on with our lives how we want and with who we want. Thanks to everyone for their thoughts and words of encouragement and support. You rock!!! If I don't seem fine, don't worry... I will be. Obla Dee Obla Dah, Life Goes On! Peace out!!