ignorance is bliss

I guess I will never understand some people. I'm not sure if it's because I cannot see things on their level, or that I refuse to go to their level. I guess I have to give some credit to my family upbringing, as some of their christian views of "do unto others" really stuck with me. I've always treated people, even my enemies, better than they would ever think of treating me. I know I'm a good person, with a compassionate heart, and a good head on her shoulders. True there may be things in my life that some don't agree with, or couldn't see doing themselves, but then again, it makes me all the more tolerable and understanding of people and their place in my life.

I think sometimes people see me as this pillar of strength, but I do have feelings, and I hurt and get hurt. I usually rationalize things to make them easier to cope with, but in no way does it mean that I'm not capable of getting my heart broke.

I'm a vault when it comes to people's privacy, and I've always lent an ear, or a shoulder, and been a mother hen in a way to friends because sometimes, they need to hear from someone else what they are already thinking themselves. Doesn't matter who's friends with who, or friends with me and not them, it just doesn't matter. I won't discuss someone else's business. If it directly affects ME, then yeah, I will, but things that have no effect on me or my life, marriage, child, etc., it's all trivial to me, and kept in complete confidence. When friends are down, I always try to get them to see the brighter side to life, even if it's only a dim hue in the corner. Just getting them to smile when they've been crying, I know in that moment, I made them feel good.

I don't get off on making people miserable. I don't get off on watching people suffer, or beat them when they are already down. Seems to be a trend around here, and I seriously do NOT get it. What do they get out of it? Some sick twisted pleasure? Something that makes them feel better about their own insecure lives?

I'm rambling now... ugh!! Like I said, I'll never get it. I'll never comprehend it, and in this case, ignorance IS bliss!!!

It's all about attitude

I think all of us know at least one person or persons that need to start viewing life in this regard..........

"Attitude to me is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than success, than what other people think, say or do. It is more important than appearance, gift, or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home.

The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes."

~ Charles Swindoll

working out sucks!!

Man am I outta shape!!!! I lasted only 20 minutes of my 45 minute workout video. I knew it would be tough, but not THAT tough starting up again. Although I let Ryan pick which tape, and I hadn't done this one before, and it ended up being one that used weights, and I am NOT good with weight stuff at ALL for long durations. I can already feel that I'm going to be sore in the morning.

The boss didn't talk to me today about my raise, because the schools were off, so he had appointments from the time he got in to after the time I left. From what he briefly said Friday, knowing that Vday was my 4 yr. work anniversary, he's thinking about just putting me on salary. Easier on me, and easier on his books, and we don't have to worry about vacation pay, sick pay, etc, it will just be all inclusive. I'll also get incentive bonuses for each new auto policy I bring on board, to try to motivate me into upping the sales for the office, as well as bring in some extra cash for myself. I just passed my 24 credits to renew my state license, so I'm good to go for another 2 years. I hate that whole system. Nothing but more money for the state and more money to put in the pockets of these companies that administer the tests.

Anywho, after BSing with Chell on AIM for a bit, I think I'm gonna get the boy to bed and hit the sack myself. I know it's early, but I definitely feel the need for sleep! Ciao for now!

trying to turn depression into motivation

Well, this weekend was a complete bust. Friday started off great with finding out I was getting my car back from the shop a whole day early, and then just went downhill from there. I started getting sick to my stomach, and by that evening was a complete mess. I had to cancel going to the movies with my bestest bud Steve, which really bummed me out.

The next morning, after being up and down all friggin' night, I had to finally motivate myself to clean and start cooking dinner, because Ry had invited his mom over for dinner for her birthday Saturday night. By 5pm, I was actually starting to feel much better, but I was so exhausted I was actually dizzy, and ended up blowing off the Vampire's Ball and Steve's bday celebration at Aldo's. I'll have to make it up to Steve somehow, because I feel just horrible about it.

Then, today was watching a show today, and someone on the show mentioned dedicating something to their brother who passed away, and I just lost it. I don't know if from being so tired, I was just weak and vulnerable, but I just started crying, missing Mark. There are always so many things that go through my head wondering if anything could have changed the course of events, and I bring it back on myself sometimes of maybe if I would have called him, just to say hi, or check up on him, or whatever. Throughout our lives, Mark and I never really had one-on-one time, but I think privately, we both knew what each other went through, but never could find the words to comfort or confide in each other. Problem is, these thoughts will never go away. Even though I'm able to talk about it openly with people and not get emotional, there are days, like today, that I just break down out of no where, and it can be the smallest of triggers that induce it.

An hour later, I'm studying for my test to renew my state insurance license, and the tv was on for just noise, and that show "Made" was on, and it was about cheerleaders. Watching them bounce around, backflips, splits, the confidence and smiles. Again, tears. Tears of being so pissed off at myself for not taking care of myself, and eating right, and working out, and letting my body get this way. I'm so scared of getting up to 190 again or worse, but for some reason, I can't find the motivation during the week to do so.

I miss how in shape I was. I miss how athletic I was. Volleyball, softball, water polo, soccer, diving, cheer and pon squads. I miss the toned, fit body I used to have. Ironically back then, I thought I was such a heffer, but now I see the beauty I truly was on the outside, as well as the inside, and how the years and years of insecurity never allowed me to see it. How I allowed my pregnancy and the diabetes overtake my body and turn it into something some people didn't even recognize anymore.

I know.. just do it, right? Get back on track, get back in the game of life and change it. It's so hard when you've motivated others, and then you are left in a position where you can't even motivate your damn self!! I really have to start a commitment to myself to change. Even if it's little by little. I know I have it in me, as I've done it before. I just gave up somewhere along the way.

Anyway, Ry headed out with Liam to get him his new video game he wanted with his Toys R Us gift card and the money he got for Valentine's Day and for his report card, and I'm doing laundry.. fun stuff!! Better get back to it before I becoming totally unmotivated.

what to do

What do you do when you find out a friend that's been depressed for a while went on a drug binge recently? Do you step in, tell mutual friends and risk your trust and friendship with that person, hoping they realize you only did it because you are worried and care about their mental and physical health and wellbeing? Do you pray that this was a one time deal and they told you about it so they could just get it off their chest and move on?

I'm so confused right now. Being a good friend is about keeping their secrets. They trust and confide in you, but at what point are you being an enabler to their destructive habits by keeping silent? In poking around, I've found I'm the only person that they told. It's weighing heavy on my heart, because on one hand I'm worried, but on the other, I feel a bond because they felt the need to confess to me and only me, when they have other friends that they are closer to. I know though the other friends would just rip them a new asshole about it, and from the sound of it, it was just a relapse, but that they've done it in the past as well.

I guess I'm hoping for another chance to just talk with this person one on one, to find out if it truly was a one time thing, or if it now has led to more. I want to call them, or drop by and check in on them, but I'm so afraid of them seeing me as being nosey instead of being a concerned friend.

I've seen what depression can do, as my brother's suicide was an end result to his. Sometimes I think it would weigh better on the minds of my parents had he been under the influence of something, but his toxicology report came back clean. Much easier to say.. oh he was drunk, or he was high, but he was neither. It was full blown depression. I know this person does what they do because of depression, but how do you get them to recognize it to the point they accept help? To get them to stop with drugs and alcohol to try to numb it all, when all it does is make it worse, yet they refuse to see it that way?

I just don't know what to do.. which way to go, or who/what I can turn to for answers.