Sunday, February 15, 2009

trying to turn depression into motivation

Well, this weekend was a complete bust. Friday started off great with finding out I was getting my car back from the shop a whole day early, and then just went downhill from there. I started getting sick to my stomach, and by that evening was a complete mess. I had to cancel going to the movies with my bestest bud Steve, which really bummed me out.

The next morning, after being up and down all friggin' night, I had to finally motivate myself to clean and start cooking dinner, because Ry had invited his mom over for dinner for her birthday Saturday night. By 5pm, I was actually starting to feel much better, but I was so exhausted I was actually dizzy, and ended up blowing off the Vampire's Ball and Steve's bday celebration at Aldo's. I'll have to make it up to Steve somehow, because I feel just horrible about it.

Then, today was watching a show today, and someone on the show mentioned dedicating something to their brother who passed away, and I just lost it. I don't know if from being so tired, I was just weak and vulnerable, but I just started crying, missing Mark. There are always so many things that go through my head wondering if anything could have changed the course of events, and I bring it back on myself sometimes of maybe if I would have called him, just to say hi, or check up on him, or whatever. Throughout our lives, Mark and I never really had one-on-one time, but I think privately, we both knew what each other went through, but never could find the words to comfort or confide in each other. Problem is, these thoughts will never go away. Even though I'm able to talk about it openly with people and not get emotional, there are days, like today, that I just break down out of no where, and it can be the smallest of triggers that induce it.

An hour later, I'm studying for my test to renew my state insurance license, and the tv was on for just noise, and that show "Made" was on, and it was about cheerleaders. Watching them bounce around, backflips, splits, the confidence and smiles. Again, tears. Tears of being so pissed off at myself for not taking care of myself, and eating right, and working out, and letting my body get this way. I'm so scared of getting up to 190 again or worse, but for some reason, I can't find the motivation during the week to do so.

I miss how in shape I was. I miss how athletic I was. Volleyball, softball, water polo, soccer, diving, cheer and pon squads. I miss the toned, fit body I used to have. Ironically back then, I thought I was such a heffer, but now I see the beauty I truly was on the outside, as well as the inside, and how the years and years of insecurity never allowed me to see it. How I allowed my pregnancy and the diabetes overtake my body and turn it into something some people didn't even recognize anymore.

I know.. just do it, right? Get back on track, get back in the game of life and change it. It's so hard when you've motivated others, and then you are left in a position where you can't even motivate your damn self!! I really have to start a commitment to myself to change. Even if it's little by little. I know I have it in me, as I've done it before. I just gave up somewhere along the way.

Anyway, Ry headed out with Liam to get him his new video game he wanted with his Toys R Us gift card and the money he got for Valentine's Day and for his report card, and I'm doing laundry.. fun stuff!! Better get back to it before I becoming totally unmotivated.

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