Sunday, April 5, 2009
Friday night we headed over to the local bar to see the live taping of The Underground, which is a local show on Fox about unsigned bands in the region. There was As Summer Dies, Three Score and Ten and The Battle. It was also the birthday of two of our dear friends, one being my roomie, Ryan (Crusher) and Stacey. That's a pic of my friends Natasha, Wendy (my kickboxing partner), me and Rachel. Of course, there was a lot of shots and alcohol being passed around, and I actually had 4 drinks myself within the 4 hour show. I had canceled my fasting blood work appointment for Saturday morning, knowing full well there was no way from 10pm to 10am I was going to avoid food, drink and smoking. Although I've cut down, I haven't "quit" yet, because I've seen the weight I've gained this week, and again, spent time crying and getting down on myself about it. I know when I blogged about crying about my weight last week, friends and family said that I'm too hard on myself, that's I'm beautiful the way I am. Thank you very much, I do appreciate the complimens, but beautiful does not mean fit and healthy. Right now, I know I'm neither of those.
For me, I do focus on the scale, and it's one of my biggest downfalls, but at the same time, for me it's a true test of what I'm not doing and things I need to be doing for myself, for my health and keeping my diabetes under control. I see my dietitian on Tuesday, and once again, I'm freaking out. I hate seeing the look of disappointment in her eyes, and I wonder if there are underlying issues that I need to see a counselor about. Is my weight a safety net for me? Is it something I have that to bitch about so that others can take pity on me? Do I purposely sabotage myself so that I won't feel like I come off as "better" than anyone?
I read the blogs of the more successful people that live the healthy lifestyle I want so bad for myself, and I often wonder if they at one point in their lives had these thoughts as well. I know it's not easy, and with anything you want in life, it will require focus, hard work, determination and drive.
I hope that with my battle plan at the gym, I will succeed. I'll be meeting with a personal trainer tomorrow and really find out if he has any suggestions for me. I was going to try out the spin class tomorrow, but forgot that I had signed up for my new member freebee with the trainer.
It's a new day and new week to prove to myself I can do this.