Thursday, April 30, 2009

Frustration (Rant Warning)

Yeah, this post is going to be a bit of a vent post. I'm completely frustrated. I've gained weight again this past week, and it pisses me off more than you could ever know. I want to be weak, and break down, knowing that this friggin insulin has caused me to gain 20 of the 30 pounds I lost two yrs ago. When you are eating right, journalling, exercising, getting your ass KICKED, and there's nothing to show for it on the scales, it hurts.

And I don't want to hear about how I'm "gaining muscle and muscle weighs more than fat".. blah blah blah. Bullshit!! Muscle helps BURN more fat, and my clothes aren't fitting any better, so don't ask me about inches either. I have to stop going out to lunch with Crusher, when I have no control and no clue the carb/calorie counts, and no more snacking after dinner, unless it's a protein bar after a workout. I can't stomach this anymore. I'm tired of feeling that it has control over me, affecting me, bringing me down and slowly trying to kill my spirit. I know there are areas I slack, and I need to be more consistant and accountable for those things. Guess I want my cake, eat it too, then hope I'll kickbox it off, eh? LOL

I may get a lot of slack and backtalk for this statement, but there's a lot of bigger gal/people websites and news articles that promote "loving yourself at any size", well, I say love yourself enough to DO something about your size!!

Love yourself to not want the extra fat around your heart, around your kidneys and liver, or in my case, the ab fat restricting my pancreas causing me to be on insulin. Love yourself enough to not have the fat in your chest cavity that restricts your breathing.

That's what I'm trying to do for myself. Love myself enough to give me a long life with my son, family and friends. So don't lecture me about how I need to love myself the way I am. I do love the person I am when it comes to my heart, mind and soul, but physically, I could be doing a hell of a lot better job of loving myself and taking care of the vessel that is cruising me through this great thing we call life, tyvm!!

Anywho, I have my personal training session with Eric tonight. I know I need to kick it up and push myself. I just wish I could pinpoint what's going on with my metabolism cuz it's driving me crazy right now!! LOL Have a great day!!

8 comments:

  1. I know it must be. Doing everything right and not seeing results. I love how you say the muscle fat bullshit. Some many people do try to use this to justify weight gain. But like you said, if your clothes were fitting better than maybe it could be true. Stay focused and enjoy your session tonight. I always think, when I get in a rut, think of what I would look like if I didn't exercise. Sometimes makes me feel better. Having health issues is not fun. But what you are doing is healthy regardless of weight gain or loss. Stay Strong. I am proud of you.

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  2. so you dont wanna hear that we love you just the way you are and that you should feel the same way too. LOL hahahahahahahahahahaha
    Cher, I have seen you beat more issues than just weight! you can do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    love ya!

    ps-bet you cant guess who this is

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  3. Thanks Kristi and Mrs. Anonymous "Dawn" (think she forgets I have a traffic feed on here and can see who comes.. hahaha)

    Believe me Kristi, I AM thinking about how bad the weight gain could have been if I hadn't been doing everything right. It could have been 40+!! Now to stop it and kick it into reverse!!

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  4. The way you've been exercising is fantastic. Really, I'm in awe and am inspired by you. I don't have insulin issues but I do have hypothyroidism and for me to lose weight I have to eat really clean. Sounds like you are taking a close look at your eating. I bet if you work on your habit of eating snacks after dinner, you may see some difference. Stay positive & keep going because you are so right about loving yourself enough to work hard to get fit and stay fit.

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  5. Cher:

    The challenges I've faced are much different than yours, but I can tell you that once you beat this hurdle you're gonna end up inspiring ALOT of people. Actually, I think you've already begun to.

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  6. Cher, I totally get what you are saying. Yes, I know that you are saying, Jody, are you kidding! Look at your pic.. BUT, the hormone battles I have been fighting the past few years due to age are tough. Not insulin battles but they are tough. You read my workout & that is kicked up from before due to the hormone issues although I was still working out pretty hard. I have had to change my food program, cut back on some calories although not major, change my carb/protein/fat percentages... it is constant work to keep up with these hormones!

    So, I do understand in a way. All I can say, is that I understand your need to be healthy for you & loving yourself enough to provide a long & good life for you & family is a good thing!

    I will say that it is hard work. No way around it. Yes, you might either have to stop the lunches OR do as I & some of my friends do, we bring our own food. People got use to this with me & live with it. I will not compromise on this for others because it is what is important to me. If you know there is healthy stuff, that is different but otherwise, food comes with me. I plan for everything! I even bring my own food to get togethers if I am unsure there will be something I want to eat. .. unless I plan for a day off.

    You may just have to really evaluate your food program & start making small changes & see how they work. This exercise & food stuff is a constant work in progress, I can tell you that. I know for me, it is.

    The fact that you are exercising & working hard at this says a lot. Give yourself credit for that!

    And yes, if your clothes are fitting tighter than that tells you something. See where you can teak things. and like I said, don't do it all at once because you want to know what changes work & which ones don't & if you do too much at once, you will not know which change works.

    Hang in there Cher. We are with you!

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  7. That pisses me off to no end, all that work and the scale (and the clothes) are going the wrong way. It's totally not fair. I went through a long period of resentment that I didn't have a metabolism like the bf at the time, and I had to eat less and drink less and exercise more. I still resent it, but I've come to terms with it. I actually eat and drink more than I probably should, but since I exercise too much, and smoke, I pull it off, for now. Now I'm irritated again, no fair.

    I wonder if there is something else going on? You exercise and mostly eat well, no? You sound like you are in tune with yourself medically. Unfair. Anyway, I have an ancient dog staring at me who really wants a walk, so I'm outta here.

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  8. This sounds so frustrating!

    I think you're on the right track with loving the person you are and doing the best you can.

    Hope it gets better!

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