Wednesday, March 11, 2009

taking out the toxic trash

A friend of mine wrote something yesterday that sparked and inspired me to write about this subject. Toxic Relationships.

A lot of times when we hear this term, it refers to a couples relationship. You know, the kind of relationship that everyone seems to have an opinion on, like the whole Chris Brown/Rihanna thing in the gossip papers these days. But toxic relationships are not always in this category. A lot of times it's with relatives. The people that we didn't have the choice of being related to. Obviously this entry is just my own personal opinion, but it's what I've learned over the years from reading, and from my own counseling.

Time and time again I hear "but/cause their family", and to that I say... define family. If there is a sense of unity and commitment and love there, yes, they are family. In my life, blood relationships do not a family make. Relationships with those people are what make a family. I'm sure there are friends of yours that you consider family. There are also those, like my egg donor, who is no where to be found in my life, is not what I consider family. Am I obligated to be there for her, comfort her, require her approval in my life? Hell no!

For me, the same goes for blood relatives that are not a positive influence and presence in my life. This goes for anyone that has put me down, degraded me, or tried to push their opinions on me so much that it has damaged my own self worth. Just because someone has been present in my life makes them no more worthy of my love and respect than the person that was never there. Quite frankly, which is worse? Having someone not in your life, or someone always there that makes you feel like complete shit? Think about it.

To me, these are the toxic relationships in our lives that can be the most damaging. Mental abuse can be one of the hardest to overcome. I have a lot of "relatives", but few are "family".

Can it be harder to keep these people from influencing our lives? Yes, but at the same time, there are certain steps you can take to help you take care of YOU and help and heal your mind. I know when it came to my toxic relationship with my dad, I just stopped talking to him. My absence helped in a way for him to see the constant damage he was doing. This won't work for everyone, but it took me years to find myself worthy of ANY one or anyone's love because of the things instilled in my mind by my father. A lot of people may see this as blaming him, but as they say, takes two to tango, and I'm partially to blame for taking that information in and letting it influence me, my life, and how I felt about it.

Who's toxic in your life? Who makes you feel bad about yourself? Who makes you upset to the point of crying when you are by yourself, and never has a positive word to say to or about you? Blood relative or not... family doesn't do that to you. Time to make choices and changes to help you rid yourself of their constant negativity. As hard as it sounds, it IS possible.

Have a great day, think positive and love life!!

4 comments:

  1. WOOOOOO HOOOOOO IT WORKS :)

    Anyways I was gonna say something about yeah I know what you mean and I try to keep those ppl outta my life but then, *SIGH* I get forgiving and bam hurt again...I guess Im toxic to myself...lol

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  2. I've been lucky in that none of the "toxic" people in my life have been related to me. Oh, sure, I have a few "midly abrassive" people I'm related to *coughcoughgrandmacoughcough* but no one "toxic."

    I'm impressed by the strength you have that allowed you to cut the toxic out of your life. I hope if I ever have to face that, that I have the same strength.

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  3. do you want a list of who is toxic in my life???? LOL!
    My favorite part (hear the sarcarsm) is the facade! The idea that we are all a happy happy family, but behind the scenes there is nothing but two-faced put downs and behind the back sneakyness. That kind of relationship is not worth the time to me, so I have been the bigger person and not stooped to that level and walked away, yet I still get crap for that, cause now I "hate" them. Its never about what they did wrong, they just need a scapegoat for the family problems, and I guess its the Step-sons bitchy wife!

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  4. well that just made you not so anonymous lil missy!! hahaha.. i know who you are!! love ya!

    i'd like to point out too that since the "initial ignore" of my dad. i guess he had questioned it, and ppl told him flat out how they perceived the way he talked to me. i think after my brother's passing, he's getting much better with positive communication, and we are definitely healing our relationship.

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